Do the questions your kids ask leave you sputtering, stuttering and groping for answers? Well, sputter, stutter and grope no more. Here are pat, authoritative answers to some of their most common inquiries:
Question: What makes a wisdom tooth so smart?
Answer: That’s an excellent question, and I’m sure your father would love the opportunity to answer it. Run along and find him.
Q: Where did I come from?
A: The mall.
Q: Can I have a baby brother?
A: Start saving up your allowance and we’ll see.
Q: Why do I have to clean my room?
A: Because the Environmental Protection Agency has just added your room to its Superfund list.
Q: You said I came from the mall; my friend Mary says she didn’t. How can that be?
A: Well, I guess you’re old enough now to know the truth. Mary’s mother shops at the more expensive stores downtown.
Q: Why do you and Grandma always fight over how I’m being raised?
A: Because Grandma mistakenly believes that just because she’s raised five kids and lived to tell the tale, she knows just as much as me.
Q: If the world is round, does it bounce?
A: Ask your father. It will make him feel important.
Q: Why do I have to wear a hat when it’s cold outside?
A: Because if a hat goes outside without a head it will get cold.
Q: When will I be old enough to wear makeup?
A: When you’re old enough to realize you don’t need it.
Q: Can I be whatever I want to be when I grow up?
A: Of course, as long as you earn enough money to support your father and me in our old age.
Q: How are girls different from boys?
A: Girls grow up thinking they want to be just like their mothers. Then, when they’re old and realize they are like their mothers, they complain about it to whomever will listen.
Q: What’s heaven?
A: Having a reliable babysitter.
Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Ask your father. He likes feeling involved in your life.
Q: Why does Dad always pretend to be asleep on the couch?
A: Because he’s afraid you’re going to keep asking him those darn questions!