How to meditate … or not

Beth Conny offers advice on how to meditate.

How to meditate (not!)
© 2014 Beth Conny

This is how I meditate:

Om …

Om …

Om …

Om … Gotta fight Verizon on my bill. Great, half the day blown.

Om …

Om …

Om … Maybe I should sit on a pillow. My foot’s going to fall asleep. Oh, come on, Beth. You can last 10 minutes.

Om …

Om …

Om …

Om … Do we have bagels in the house? I feel like having a bagel … Stop thinking! Just breathe. There you go. In … out, in … out … in … out …

(Yawn)

Om …

Om …

Om … An English muffin might be nice …

Om …

Om … We’re out of bread … and dish soap, Romaine … Damn! My foot’s asleep. I knew that would happen! (Peek at alarm) Nine minutes left? How can that be?!

Um …

Um …

Um … zzzzz … zzzz …

Huh? Why am I on the floor? Why’s my foot asleep? Oh, that’s right —

Om …

Om …

Om … Did I tell Joe his sister called? Yes, I did. At least I think I did. Maybe not. I should call Joe and let him know, just in case. No, it can wait, I’ve only got 8 minutes left. EIGHT MINUTES???

In … out, in … out … in … out …

(Phone rings)

Probably a telemarketer …

Hmmm, hmmm …

Maybe they’re selling something I actually need … Or it could be Joe’s sister …

Inoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinout

(Peek at clock. Glare.)

SEVEN MINUTES!!!!!!!

Grrrr … grrrr… grrrr …

Now both feet are asleep!

Ouch … ouch …

To hell with this. I’m going out for breakfast.

Splat!

… as soon as I can get off the floor …

(Crawl)

Screw Nirvana!

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