New versions of old clichés
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again — and then blame others.
What goes up must come down — when you run out of Xanax.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder — when that jerk is finally out of your life.
Always a bridesmaid, never the bride — which is fine given today’s divorce rate.
Get your ducks in order — then replace them with turkey breast, which is lower in fat.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence — because your neighbor uses pesticide.
Laugh all the way to the bank — because you know you’re overdrawn.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones — neither should people who live in brick houses.
Separate the wheat from the chaff — unless you live in the city and have no idea what chaff is.
She’s a peach — but becomes an apple when peach season’s over.
He woke up on the wrong side of the bed — which was quite painful given his bed was against a wall.
You can’t judge a book by its cover — only by its inside flap.
Fly by the seat of your pants — right over to your chiropractor because you are seriously out of alignment.
Read the fine print — but only through rose-colored glasses.
