Archive | Funnies

A middle-age woman does a crossword puzzle

Beth Mende Conny of WriteDirections.com does a crossword puzzle.Six across. I need a three-letter word for feline.

Well, I know it starts with “C” because the answer to 6 down was DISC, which ends with “C.”

Hmmm … Feline … starts with “C” …

CHEETAH! No, that’s seven letters. I need three.

Hey, Joe … Joe! … JOE!!! What’s a three-letter word for feline that starts with “C”? Oh, come on. This will only take a second.

(Grumble)

You can sleep later.

(Inaudible)

I didn’t hear you. What?

(Huff) No, I don’t need a four-letter word that starts with “F” and ends with “K.” I hope you wake up with a backache.

(Slam of door. Frown.)

“K”? Is that possible? DISC could be DISK, after all. No. I’m going to stick with “C.” Something in my bones says I’m right, although it could be my arthritis.

Beth Mende Conny of WriteDirections.com does a crossword puzzle about a cat.Wait! The answer to 7 down was HOT. HOT ends with “T.” That means: I need a three-letter word for feline that starts with “C” and ends with “T.” Hmmm …

Jenna … Jenna! … JENNA!!!

(Grumble)

Please get off of your cell phone. I need a three-letter word for feline that starts with “C” and ends with “T.”

No, I don’t want you to text it to me.

(Slam door. Growl.) Teenagers!

(Look at clock.)

Of dear. I’ve forgotten to feed Millie.

(Walk to kitchen. Open can.)

Here kitty, kitty! Here kitty, kitty. Dinner!

(Bend down. Pet.)

Do you happen to know a three-letter word for feline? Starts with “C,” ends with “T.”

(Hiss)

That’s it, clean your own box!

(Slam door. Drive to attorney.) I want to cut everyone out of my will. Yep, that’s what I said. C-U-T.

(Epiphany) Cut! Three letters, starts with “C” and ends with “T.”

(Fist pump)

(Leave office. Return to car. Look for keys. Can’t find keys. Call AA. Whoops! Redial. AAA.)

(Drive to therapist.)

H-E-L-P!

 

“Antiques Roadshow”

Beth Conny and her hubbie Joe tried to find junk they can sell on "Antiques Roadshow."Watching “Antiques Roadshow” is a weekly tradition for my husband and me. We cuddle on the couch and watch enviously as people discover their junk is worth thousands of dollars. And we ask ourselves, why does their junk accumulate value while ours only accumulates dust? Surely we have something of value somewhere in our house.

Our conversations go something like this:

Me: What about what’s-her-name’s thing-a-ma-jig? That might be worth something.

Him: That piece of junk?! I think not.

Me: What about that painting no one likes? The one in the closet.

Him: How’d we get that thing anyway?

Me: I think someone gave it to us.

Him: Was it someone we like?

Me: I don’t know. Maybe it was a relative.

Him: Does that mean we’re stuck with it forever?

Me: The relative or the painting?

Him: Can you bring a relative to “Antiques Roadshow”?

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What makes a wisdom tooth so smart?

Do the questions your kids ask leave you sputtering, stuttering and groping for answers? Well, sputter, stutter and grope no more. Here are pat, authoritative answers to some of their most common inquiries:

Question: What makes a wisdom tooth so smart?

Answer: That’s an excellent question, and I’m sure your father would love the opportunity to answer it. Run along and find him.

Q: Where did I come from?

A: The mall.

Q: Can I have a baby brother?

A: Start saving up your allowance and we’ll see.

Q: Why do I have to clean my room?

A: Because the Environmental Protection Agency has just added your room to its Superfund list.

Q: You said I came from the mall; my friend Mary says she didn’t. How can that be?

A: Well, I guess you’re old enough now to know the truth. Mary’s mother shops at the more expensive stores downtown. Continue Reading →